Get Your As$ to Sleep 

(inspired by Go the F* to Sleep)

Get Your A$$ to Sleep

 

(for all you tired working moms with kids who talk a lot, stall or otherwise obfuscate bedtime with playtime/snack time or catching up on current events)

 

Donkeys are stubborn but this stuffed one is sweet. 

So sweet he is the pet to a little boy named Pete. 

 

He goes where his master goes, so loyal is he,

Following him to the toilet even, to pee.

 

“You're the best donkey ever!” Pete hugs him proudly,

“You work so hard and never bray too loudly.” 

 

That is, ’til bedtime comes to pass, his donkey is 

sweet but turns into a stubborn little ass.

 

When Pete's mom says “It's time for bed”, 

Pete's donkey hee haws and shakes his head.

 

“What is that ol' buddy?” Pete asks and listens

“Mom! Be quiet so I can hear what we're missin' “

 

“He hawwwww!” Donkey says. Pete translates for his mom:

“Donkey's too hungry to sleep on an empty tum!”

 

“Oh poor donkey—I think he'd like a carrot, or a few?

Wow look at him eat who knew he likes ranch too?”

 

Ten minutes later, clock's tick tick ticking fast

Mom says “If Donkey doesn't get to sleep he'll be a grumpy little ass.”

 

Pete looks at donkey “Hee haw hee hee!”

Donkey smiles back “Haw haw haw hee!” 

Pete clapping along squeals “He's so much like me!”

 

“He'll be sweet mom, I promise, I swear!”

Mom grumbles “Fine, get on jammies and clean underwear!”

 

Donkey brays low and tosses his mane

“What now?” Mom asks, “‘yer ass is making me insane.”

 

“Mom don't be mean,” Pete humphs, “Donkey can hear you—

Better to be loved than to have donkey fear you--”

 

“Well said, my smart boy I've taught you well,

Now brush Donkey's buck teeth he’s starting to smell.”

 

Both donkey and boy have their jammies inside out

They sleepwalk to the bathroom then stop to pout.

 

C’mon donkey, get up, you’re getting us in trouble, 

“Atta boy” Mom says, donkey better get in there on the double!”

 

Mom looks at her device it's reaching eight thirty

Her eyes are red; been up since 4 and she's dirty.

 

No shower no glass of wine no rest for the weary

She hears her device ring— it’s work—this won’t be cheery.

 

She takes the call; anything’s easier than this she thinks

Until her boss is bitchin’ about productivity she rethinks that drink

 

Maybe not wine tonight but definitely feeling beery?

But lo, she hears water running so why is she leery?

 

Peeking around the bathroom door 

A mess of toothpaste and floss all over the floor

 

“Pete, my gosh what in the world happened kid?

Glide floss is expensive and so is Tom's toothpaste ya dig?”

 

“My donkey needed to floss you said his breath smelled!”

 

“Your ass has only two teeth what the hell?”

 

Pete smiled a big smile so goofy and cute

Even donkey's sweet face Mom could not refute

 

“Donkey's finally in his stable now,” Pete said

Then giggled and wiggled his cute ass into bed

 

“I love you both.” Mom said with a sigh and a yawn

He’s worth it!, she thought, to be up at the crack of dawn!

 

“Good night sweet prince and noble steed!”

Mom kissed them both real quick she needed to pee—

 

Lights off, she threw down the switch

Quietly, like a thief in the night she ran without a hitch

 

In her room at last, put on t.v. for noise,

Brushed her teeth while peeing with poise

 

Netflix or Hulu is all she could think, 

Spitting whitening toothpaste in the sink

 

But time was of the essence every second mattered.

At work she was trying to climb the corporate ladder

 

A promotion she’d been wanting since she was hired

Her mind was going going gone, her body said Bitch I’m Tired!

 

Laying her head deep into her memory foam pillow

Her door slowly cracked open, and she started to weep like a willow

 

Oh God oh please, let that be the A/C kickin' on

I'll take a burglar, a cat, a rabid squirrel from the lawn

 

But a loud jarring “Hee haw!” is all that she heard,

Pete whispered “I'm sorry Mom but donkey's being a turd.”

 

She forced a smile but really she's all fumes

“You sure this is about donkey? Why're you out of your room?”

 

“Donkey reminded me you forgot us a story

And that is unlike you Mom you made donkey worry.”

 

The walk back to Pete's room stretched a mile that night,

like a zombie she slumped— no brains in sight

 

It was like a treadmill missing an off switch

“I’ll read Biscuit or nothing!.” She was sounding like a bitch.

 

Searching for the book she wanted

It’s not that she meant to be so easily daunted

 

“Welp, sorry, no Biscuit,” she said turning on her heel

“I love your literate ass but that was the deal.”

 

“Wait mom, look there, donkey sees Dr. Seuss!

Oh the Places You'll Go, no better pursuit!”

 

“My son, Mom pleaded, I've read that thing thrice.”

“Hee Haw!” Pete translated again, “Moms are supposed to be ni-ice.”

 

She slapped herself in the face, and said “Yes you're right,

Rubbed her eyes and mumbled to herself “This ain’t right.”

 

It was almost ten, she could still get 5 hours, God help her!

She could snooze at work, under her desk, for her services don't Yelp her.

 

After reading about Hakken Kraks Birnbaum, Bixby or Bray

Dealing with asses at work and now at home—what a day! 

 

One last tuck in was all she could muster

being a good mom was losing its luster

 

Having a kid at thirty-eight— what was she thinking?

Must have decided on this when she was drinkin'.

 

So many nights reading books ’til her throat was sore

So many nights missing sleep she never used to snore!

 

That sound, of the littlest logs getting sawed

Yes there is a God, she said, and watched in awe

Could it be, would it be, should it be true

both Pete and his ass are dreaming anew!

 

She dreamt of free nannies or a stay at home dad

anything for eight hours she'd even trade Pete's ass 

 

One night of sleep, uninterrupted, she snored for an hour

she dreamt of sleeping even drooling in a bed of flowers

 

At twelve o'clock midnight, she awoke sharply and wide

to the donkey breath breathin' right in her eye

 

Only it wasn't Pete's breath it was his ass, 

“Donkey found Biscuit! He said, “He's such a smart ass!” 

 

Mom grabbed donkey so she wouldn't grab Pete

said son, “I love you but GET YOUR A$$ TO SLEEP!” 

Clowncar Tragedy nightmarishly inspired by Boeing's 737 MaxJet

Wanda Wienerstein nightmarishly 

inspired by Harvey Weinstein and #metoo 

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2020 Copyright E.J. Zain

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